The last time I listened to this song, I was depressed. This time…well, I’m still depressed, but…I am not where I was.
Last time I listened to this, the words and parts of the song meant different things. The piano was bittersweet. The strings were laced with fear. Ryan Tedder’s voice cried out for a call back to innocence and asked for help.
Now? Strings that open this song have a beautiful tone to them; the piano has a spring to its step; I enjoy the beauty of Tedder’s voice and feel that I don’t have to be afraid all the time. And now I notice the drums. The beats of that rhythm are solid, constant and quietly exciting.
I’m no longer foolish enough to think that I’m out of the woods, but…well, I know I’m not in the deepest parts of the forest any longer. What has been a long journey is only continuing, but now it is going in a different direction, one I have hoped for, for a long time.
Right at this moment, what fills me with sadness is the thought of being old and not feeling complete with my life.
While it’s hard to say, I’m sure that I probably won’t get to EVERYthing that I want to; I feel that’s realistic. But I will not be one of those people who has nothing to show for their life. I need to make my mark, but I don’t even know what that means to me anymore. I used to think it meant leaving a lasting difference and a huge impact on this world. Now…well, now I just want a job so I can prove to myself that I can make it in this world.
You know, for so much of my life I tried to adopt a “Christian” attitude of not getting “caught up in the things of this world.” I was so good at doing what I was told. I was VERY good at being a victim, for a long time.
But now, I have become more offensive. I missed all those “stages” in young life that are so typical because I looked at the world like an adult supposedly would. I missed out on fun because I was scared of fucking up my life. I skipped chances if it would “make me look stupid.”
I did avoid having shitty friends more easily than others, I think. I also didn’t terrorize my parents and helped a lot. So it’s really only logical that I have made the moves I have in the past couple years. I need to be me. I am still cutting some very thick apron strings.
I’m okay with that and even though right now I’m a frustrated mess (still) and figuring out where to go (different ideas, same feelings), I am away from the people, environments and ideas that I have always known. It’s good for me, and it’s where I need to be.
Now to just get a job and get this fuckin’ ball ROLLING.
Where We Go 